If you see someone talk about an experience they’ve had and your first thought is ‘but what about…’, it’s probably worth pausing for a moment.

What’s the aim of voicing that?

Is it to add understanding, broaden the conversation, or simply to prove them wrong?

For example, a woman shares how challenging she has found returning to work after maternity leave where the leadership team is predominantly male, and you comment to let her know that you’ve only seen women in leadership roles.

Sometimes it feels less like curiosity, and more like a reflex to correct and challenge, or to shift the focus away from what has just been shared.

The frequency of these ‘but what abouts’, seems to be increasing, particularly in online spaces where we can choose to be faceless and nameless, with no accountability for our actions and words.

Statistics tell us that people with disabilities make up just 15-20% of higher education students in the UK, only 11% of CEO roles are held by women globally, and 2-3% of teachers in England are Black.

This might not be what you see in your area, which is to be celebrated! But that doesn’t mean we should challenge those who highlight the bigger problem, or use an exception to dismiss a wider pattern.

Not every post is a debate to be won.

When someone chooses to speak about being part of an underrepresented group, it is usually with the primary aim of raising awareness. As a society, we strive for equality across the board. Raising awareness means there are more allies, and the next generation should have more opportunities and face less bias.

While these patterns exist across many groups, women in the workplace provide one example of how these conversations often play out. The reality is, there are very real factors shaping women’s experiences at work, even if they are not always visible to others.

In the UK, around 37% of women work part-time, compared to around 14% of men, often due to caring responsibilities for children or family members. This can shape career progression, leadership pathways and how ambition is interpreted. There are also assumptions about women at different stages of life. Younger women are often seen as inexperienced, or not quite ready to lead. Mid-career women can be assumed to be approaching a shift in responsibilities outside of work often linked to family life, or repeatedly questioned as to why they don’t have a family. More mature women can be seen as less adaptable, with menopause quietly sitting underneath some of those perceptions in ways that are rarely spoken about.

These experiences are shaped by very real, practical realities. Women are more likely to take extended time away from work through maternity leave and parental leave. They are also more likely to experience hormone-related health conditions across their working lives, which can significantly affect energy, wellbeing and day-to-day capacity.

All of this means that, at different points in life, women’s presence at work is not always continuous in the way traditional workplace expectations are built around. Not as a lack of commitment, but as a reality of how health, care and biology intersect with working life.

On days like International Women’s Day and International Day of Women and Girls in Science, there come the advocates and the allies, sharing hard-hitting statistics and calling for some understanding, empathy and action. This isn’t about blame, but about openness and understanding. Being able to talk about the realities of womanhood honestly, without it being shut down and dismissed is a huge development. But this is also where the ‘but what about’ responses appear.

This is where the bean soup theory comes in.

The bean soup theory developed from a viral internet post where someone shared a bean soup recipe, and the comments filled with people demanding alternatives because they don’t like beans. It was a bean soup recipe. Instead of recognising that it wasn’t aimed at them, people were quick to shift the conversation towards individual preferences and demand for change.

The theory is now used to describe this pattern more broadly, where something is shared and the response becomes centred on ‘what about me?’, rather than engaging with the point being made or simply moving past it.

Of course, lived experiences will never be identical, but not everything is asking to be universal. Sometimes it’s simply asking to be acknowledged.

And that is really the heart of it. Not every piece of content or experience is an invitation to correct, reframe, or redirect. Sometimes the most respectful response is simply to recognise it for what it is, and move on.

'When people show you who they are, believe them the first time' – Maya Angelou

By Ashleigh Morris

References:

Advance HE. (2023). Equality in higher education statistical report: Students and staff.

Department for Education. (2024). School workforce in England. UK Government.